faith is ten million times better than fear. and ironically, ten times scarier.

"Do one thing every day that scares you."

"What would you attempt if you knew you could not fail?"

"The real world doesn't start after graduation, or marriage. You've been living in the real world your whole life. So go live in it."

All of this and more has been turning and turning on the turntable of my brain lately. And at night, it gets even more constant, because I write in my journal and then all these other thoughts creep in. Thoughts that start with a little somethin-somethin we're all famliar with: what if? What if I took a risk today? What if I did something totally out of character, but totally awesome at the same time? What if?!! What amazing things would be set in motion if I dared to dive in, instead of just dipping in my toes?

Lately I've been upping my scripture study significantly. It's made a world of difference. I'd highly recommend it. Anyway, I was reading in Alma, when all those Lamanites start to be converted because of the sons of Mosiah (who, if you will recall, were "the vilest of sinners." The Atonement is realer than real.). As I was reading, I noticed a note in the margins that said this: "Fear distorts things, while faith makes things clear."

Did you get that? I read it three more times. Fear distorts the truth. It muddles the truth about who we really are, and what we can really do, and that is exactly why Satan loves to use it. He knows that as long as we don't understand who we really are, we don't rise up and be great (which we're all destined to be, by the way). God, on the other hand, uses faith. Faith gets things done. Faith moves us to do awesome things-- things that might scare us at first, but end up being the best things ever.

Often this involves taking risks. Going to BYU-Idaho was a risk. I'd never before in my life set foot in Rexburg. I had only decided to attend the school about three months before I went. But I did, and as you all know (those who have been reading this for awhile), it was one of the greatest experiences of my life.

The same goes for Mexico. The entire time I was preparing to go to Mexico, it was kinda like an out of body experience. I kept saying to myself, "McKenzie, is that you?" I would have never done such a thing, moved to another country for three months, to teach? Me?! Ha! But I did, and it was an experience which one or two words could not sufficiently describe. God knew I could do it, and He was trying to coax the better me out of hiding. He was trying to get Kenzie 2.0 to act in faith, instead of the Kenzie 1.0 who doesn't take any risks.

So friends, what are you going to do today that your best self  would do? The upgraded, really sweet version with all of the apps you could possibly imagine. What are you going to do that scares the pants off of you but will end up affecting your life in indescribably awesome ways?

What are you waiting for?! Go do it!

p.s. i briefly reactivated my facespace because i just really wanted this post to be seen.

clueless

I could use a road trip right about now.

Everyone keeps asking me how it feels to be graduated. I honestly don't know...cool I guess. Now what? More school. But not before I get a real job. But not before I have a temporary job for five weeks. Not before I get a car, and move out, and become an adult.

Why must everything have to come before that? I wonder.
Confession time.

confession one: I have no clue what I'm doing right now. But everyone's favorite question to ask me is, "So now what?" I wish I had a clipboard that had "Ideas for what Kenzie should do next" written on the top. So when people asked me that question, I could hand them the clipboard.
confession two: Yes, I'm (maybe) going to grad school, but I feel wayyy underqualified. Grad school is for people who write master theses! What!
confession three: I deactivated my facebook again. Sometimes that thing just really irritates me. I don't want to bore you with why. Just know that I get tired of it, the same way I get tired of being in the mall, or stupid TV shows/TV in general, or music on the radio.
confession four: I have cried more in the past five months than I think I did all last year. Or maybe for the last 21 years. Ha! I'm telling you, my tear ducts are working up the heezy lately. It's okay. Crying is good.
confession five: I'm debating posting this because it's way too Negative Nancy and that's not what people wanna read, is it? You all want a happy list or something right?
confession six: Welp, this is a blog after all. And a human being writes it. Therefore, I am sorry if this comes off as cranky. I feel a bit lost, that's all.
confession seven: Last night I was sitting on my bed, with my journal in my lap, pondering. I'll have you know that this particular time of day is always ripe for revelation, at least for me. Anyway, I was thinking about all of these semi-depressing things and I started to write them out. But then something awesome happened--the Spirit gave me some solutions. They were no-brainers, too. The things you hear in church every week. But I happen to know that the Spirit doesn't mess around, so I'd better get to work.
confession eight: because of number seven, I've decided I need to spend less time on the computer. which means less bloggerizing (sorry all five of you who read this!), and obviously less facebook. you can always call me or (gasp!) write a letter. 'tis possible.
confession nine: my bike+my music=the only solution for my cabin fever right now.
confession ten: living at home when you are a college graduate is kind of hard. Don't get me wrong, I love my family and I love not having to cook for myself every day in the midst of homework and I love our cozy house, but I do feel less...independent? It's hard to go from living on your own for 3.5 years to the basement again. But I'm working on it!

Any words of encouragement would be loverly. I hope you don't hate on this blog now because my confession session was mostly complaints. :/

and so it begins

...not much has changed.

The last few days have been kind of surreal. I got to Rexburg, unpacked my shtuff, went to a friend's apartment, made dinner there, then went to a movie. When I woke up the next morning it finally hit me that this was going to be my very last semester in Rexburg. And I was sad. This is my home--it really is! And it's only taken me almost four years to figure it out. But I really do love it here, and all of the people in it. I'm going to miss it when April rolls around. This time, I'm hoping the semester goes by very slowly.

This morning on the way to class I passed two girls with maps, looking around and asking each other where certain buildings were. I recognized the looks on their faces, because I experienced the same thing almost four years ago (back when I started this little blog). I, too, wandered around campus on those first few days with my crumpled-up map. I too, walked into the right classroom at the wrong time, where I was immediately faced with a bunch of very amused upper classmen. I, too, thought that campus was "so big" and I'd never be able to figure out where everything was. I reassured the girls that they'd be able to find their way around in no time. To be honest, I envy them. They have four (probably) amazing years ahead of them. I have four months. Months?! How'd it get to this point? All I know is, I'm going to make them count. It's interesting how your perspective changes when you know something is about to end.

curveballs can be fun.

eye candy.

This year has been the year of near-misses, of big fat surprises, of curveballs. My stake president once said that God loves "at-the-buzzer" moments. He loves giving us those curveballs to see what we will do--will we go back and get the plates again, even though we've tried a whole bunch of times before? Will we take that leap of faith because we know "the Lord giveth no commandments unto the children of men, save he shall prepare a way for them that they may accomplish the thing which he commandeth"? That has been my big challenge lately (and when I say "lately," I mean the last few years that I can remember), and man has it been exciting.

We had a devotional on Tuesday which I would highly recommend reading. It was all about patience; how sometimes the Lord asks us to step away from something for awhile because it's not time for that yet--and He will reward us with it later (or something better). She also said that there will be times in our lives when we will feel like nothing is happening--but we have to keep being obedient, anyway. How many times did Nephi have to go back for the plates? Well, more than once. Just because God asked you to do it, that doesn't guarantee it will be easy. In fact, it usually means the opposite.

Remember that post I wrote at the beginning of the semester about surprises? They haven't stopped since day one. Thank goodness! Otherwise my life would be pretty dull, and I wouldn't really have anything to blog about, except for maybe peanut butter and you tube videos. Bo-ring.

Here's an itty-bitty list, to give you an idea of how good I have had to get at playing catch with God:

• deciding on a career pretty much at the last minute
• deciding on grad school, also at the last minute
• deciding on grad school at BYU, say what?! I don't know whose idea that was. Actually, I do. Not mine.
• realizing now why a lot of things in the past 3 years happened. this. is. cool. and also why you should keep a journal, yo.

The main point is, God is aware of every little detail in our lives, and whether you want to believe it or not, He's behind a lot all of the awesomeness happening to you right now. Sha-bam. Thus I conclude my slightly longwinded post and return to the land of finals week. I hope I come out of this alive.

inevitably, the sun is going to shine through

even the sun finds a way.

I've had a lot on my mind lately, and a lot of it hasn't been encouraging. I know I'm one of those people that's black or white--if I'm happy, I'm really happy, and if I'm sad, I'm really sad. Most of the time, I'm on the brighter side of things. Perhaps it's the weather...I really miss October and autumny-ness. It never lasts long enough where I choose to live. And lately I have been in a shlump, if you will. I feel like a good strike of lightning would cure me, or something to that effect. The thing with life is, you can't wait for stupendous things to happen--you have to make them happen yourself.

I've been reading in my old journals to help me make sense of things. I re-read my journal a lot, because the truth is, most of the hard stuff doesn't make a lot of sense until it's in your rear view mirror. I think it's pretty silly of me to think that one day I'm going to be able to "get it"--that I'll get a trial and be able to say, "Okay, I know exactly what I'm supposed to learn from this." It seems that one of the biggest lessons I have been needing to learn from trials is that I can't do it alone. I can't figure life out by myself; and when I try, I do a really bang-up job. The other half of this crazy equation is that I often feel like I can't figure out what the Lord wants me to do. I sometimes think I have it figured out, and then I'm surprised yet again. I'm constantly being turned around. So right now the trick is being in tune and then putting one foot in front of the other, even if it doesn't make any sense. That's basically the story of my life. And probably all of our lives...

One thing I've found to be helpful is to look for patterns in our lives, just to get a "sneak-peek" as to where the Lord is leading us. One pattern I've noticed is friendship...I seem to make really awesome friends who change my life, and then bam, they get taken away from me. Por ejemplo: Liz, Chelsea, Courtney, Tessa. One of them is married, two are on missions, one is four hours away from me. I could do a whole post about boys and my bad timing in that area, but we've already discussed that this week. So maybe Heavenly Father is teaching me to love people as much as I can while I have them because I never know when they'll be gone. Or maybe he's teaching me how to be on my own...to love myself and be comfortable with myself.

So in the meantime, while I wait for that friend who I get to keep for forever, I've got a few things to check off my "to-do list."

• make the cookies from this blog and then initiate "random acts of cookies." holy hannah, yes.
• learn how to play the guitar, probably during winter semester because I know who to ask to teach me (that means you, dan).
• hike Timp. somebody, please, next summer, we must do this. anyone.
• run a half-marathon. amen and amen.
• read lots and lots of books on that booklist o'mine.
• venture down to south america.
• cut my hair. goodbye long locks.
• have another night of spontaneity with Tessaface. Let's find another random concert to go to, yes??
• stop worrying. it's hard, but I can do it.

what are you going to do to make life sweeter? divulge in the comments, yo.

go forth.

If you would like some more cool stuff to look at, go here. It's my tumblr, and it is where my right brain manifests itself. Word.

this better be hormones

In the past week I have found myself on the verge of tears just a few times, but I'm not even sure why. Today in Old Testament we were sitting there talking about the 2nd coming and all of sudden and I had to hold back a sob. A sob, people!! I don't sob! Ugh. Well on Monday the same thing happened, in the same class, because something the teacher said made me think of a dream I had a little while ago, which also made me want to cry right then. And I nearly did. I just hafta talk myself out of it...

"Kenz...c'mon...you are NOT gonna cry in front of all these people. Keep it together, man!"

Sometimes the urge will come while I'm walking to class and I see the picnic table I once did a ninja-jump off of my freshman year. Because I remember how young and inexperienced I was then, and I remember how Courtney was with me, and I think about how I'm going to leave this place soon...and...and...I just get kinda melancholy. Hence the tears.

Or other times I'll be sitting in church looking around at all of the people I know and wondering what will happen with their lives after we all leave...and I think about what's going to happen to me, and when I realize I don't know, I want to cry.

Then there's those moments when I am sitting in devotional and the speaker says something that I know, I know, God probably told him to put in his talk just for me, and I want to cry right then but not in front of the whole student body! Honestly....my tear ducts have no pride.

The worst, and by that I mean the most embarrassing, is when I walk by the many construction sites and I see the Mexicans working...and that gets me thinking about Mexico...and by that point I can't even stop. I just have to use my scarf as a mask so no one will see my face, crying.

If this isn't hormones, there's only one explanation: I have Anderson blood running through my veins.

I haven't forgotten

I was tying my shoes when I heard the guy on the radio talking about the World Trade Centers in New York.

I went downstairs and saw everyone gathered around the TV. Mom turned and looked at me, and her face told me something was wrong.

That day, Isaac and I walked home from school looking for planes in the sky. Even though we lived in Oregon, I remember wondering if there would be a terrorist attack somewhere close by. I went home and watched the news. I think that was all I watched that week. Finally, my dad told me it probably wasn't good to watch it so much.

I remember when they pulled a firefighter out of the rubble, still alive. I remember seeing all of the missing posters on TV and hoping that the people would be found. Even though I knew that most of them wouldn't. I remember everybody was praying and putting out their flags.

I remember President Hinckley announcing that we had invaded Iraq. Little did I know that 10 years later, we would still be in this war. I hope that we are always in a war against evil--not necessarily a physical war, but a spiritual one. I hope that there will always be those willing to stand. I hope that we never let wickedness prevail, no matter the cost.

on timing

one thing I know I'll never have to wait for: long hair

I like to write lists. Sometimes my journal entry is just a list of random things going through my head at the time. For example, yesterday's entry was just a list of things I liked about that day, things I wasn't sure I liked, and things I definitely did not like. A lot of people say they don't know what to write about in a journal--all you hafta do is get creative. Nobody said you had to write every detail of what happened to you that day. /end rant

But really, back to that list thing. I think it means I'm a planner. I like to know what's going to happen and I like to be prepared for it. When I decided to go to Mexico, it was a little bit of a whirlwind. I didn't really prepare mentally/emotionally for it. I just went, because I knew I was supposed to. I'm really glad I did. Sometimes the best things in life aren't planned at all. Things like (here we go with the list thang):

• becoming friends with TP because we both worked at sandwich land (a bad thing turned into something really good!)
• going to Mexico to teach English. Me, teach English? Wha?
• going to BYU-Idaho instead of BYU, something I never thought of until 2 months before I left for Rexburg
• moving to Utah when I was 15. I wasn't okay with this at first, but eventually I warmed up to the idea. I learned to trust in the Lord. Now I'm 100% sure that was the right choice.
  

I bet if I went back and read old journals, I would find similar patterns. I love finding the Lord's hand in your life after the fact. It's nice to notice it in the present, too.

Today I read Dieter F. Uchtdorf's April 2010 talk "Continue in Patience." I am pretty sure this talk was written for me. If you know me, you know patience is one of my big time weaknesses. It all goes along with that planning thing. I just want to know what's going to happen, and I want to be prepared for it. I always forget that there is no such thing as bad timing--God's timing is always perfect. Us mortals are the only ones with bad timing (at least, that's how we see it). Pres. Uchtdorf said something which rang true for me at this point in my life:

"The children of Israel waited 40 years in the wilderness before they could enter the promised land. Jacob waited 7 long years for Rachel. The Jews waited 70 years in Babylon before they could return to rebuild the temple. The Nephites waited for a sign of Christ’s birth, even knowing that if the sign did not come, they would perish. Joseph Smith’s trials in Liberty Jail caused even the prophet of God to wonder, “How long?”

In each case, Heavenly Father had a purpose in requiring that His children wait.

Every one of us is called to wait in our own way. We wait for answers to prayers. We wait for things which at the time may appear so right and so good to us that we can’t possibly imagine why Heavenly Father would delay the answer."

I italicized that middle line because it really hit me--God has a reason for everything He does. If we're doing what's right, we don't need to worry. It's that simple. Just keep doing what He asks and don't be afraid. Fear=a rocking chair which gets you nowhere. Faith=a maserati in 5th gear on the freeway. You get me?

p.s. since this was mostly words and hardly any music or pictures, here. you're welcome.

i'm not sure about this feeling, but i can embrace it

Phew. Folks, I did it. I wrote a post every day for a week. Except I maybe sorta cheated and wrote 3 posts at once and then posted them on their corresponding days. Oh well.

Right now I'm sitting in the San Fransisco Airport. I'm exhausted, emotionally and physically. The sun just set quite nicely outside the window. I tried the water from the water fountain and it tasted funny. Nobody is staring at my sandaled-feet. Nobody is speaking Spanish. Why aren't they speaking Spanish to me? I would speak it to them. But they wouldn't understand...I don't even understand.

Oh, and I'm freezing. Kinda shivering, actually.

Did I mention I was in California?

I hope I bring some spring-ish weather back with me in 2 hours....

I don't know if I'll ever be able to write everything I feel about Mexico. Maybe that's what makes it so special...I can't write it out. I can try my best, but I'll never capture it just quite right.

I'll never be able to explain how eerily wonderful it was to walk to the bus station this morning with 3 of my best friends, the sidewalks empty, my luggage rumbling across the cobblestones, the church bells echoing through the dark streets, thinking about my first night...

I'll never be able to explain what it felt like to watch my kids perform their spectacle on Friday and to have them hug me afterwards and tell me they loved me. I can't explain what it was like for my kids at the other school to bake me a cake, and they didn't even shove my face in it (Mexican tradition...).

I'll never be able to explain the bond we had as teachers. I felt like I knew them all for much longer than 3 months. Clearly it was meant to be. It's true that there are no coincidences....so God must have brought us all here at the same time for a reason. I don't know if I can tell you in words what the reason was. But maybe you can feel it when you read what I've written.

“Let your mind start a journey thru a strange new world. Leave all thoughts of the world you knew before. Let your soul take you where you long to be...Close your eyes let your spirit start to soar, and you'll live as you've never lived before.”

-Erich Fromm

notice how the sun sets...

it starts to dip its hand in

a little anxious,

then the hues explode

each night when i go home

i turn around

start walking backwards

look down the street to see it

the same different patterns

over and again

this day, the kids shined

like the sun,

timid at first,

then their smiles came

they were proud of themselves

i was proud of themselves, too

now i know what it's like

to be a parent, holding the camcorder

waiting for the kid to mess up

but hoping with all you have

that they won't

now i know what it's like

to love someone else so much

you forget about all of your imperfections

and i watch

because

the sun keeps setting.

what if

reminds me of this song

i know someone who looks like that. mm-hmm.

what i desire for breakfast

utah. soon, in the flesh.

daydreaming.

what if...I started packing a few days ago to clean up the clutter in my room. and what if i started packing because i'm kind of excited to go home?

what if...I saw that "unknown" movie (liam neeson kicking trash again) last night and it wasn't near as amazing as the first subway sandwich i've had in 3 months?

what if...I miss my parents more than I can even say. That was cheesy, but I don't care about being cheesy anymore like I did when I was 18.

what if...I see pictures of myself when I was 18 and I wish I still looked like that. And what if I have to start working out extra hard again to deal with the aftermath of Mexico? Do you know what I mean by aftermath? Heheh.

what if...I am counting down the days 'til I go home but I also don't know exactly when that will be right now.

what if...I can't decide whether to keep my hair long or chop it off again.

what if...I read my friend Jessica's mission blog and think about going on a mission. Again.

what if...I wish that Chelsea was going to be back in Rexburg when I return.

what if...I'm secretly scared to speak Spanish with native speakers and that's probably why my Spanish-speaking skills aren't as good as they could be.

what if...I'm tired of having cereal every day for breakfast (to everyone who knows me this is huge).

what if...I can't go to bed with dirty feet, without brushing my teeth, or without my iPod in my ears (that last one is just a Mexico thing because I have a night-owl roommate).

what if...I am so excited for General Conference and I wish it was more than twice a year. And what if I miss watching it with my family.

what if...I am stoked to live in Rexburg again with my bro, my friend Amy who is moving closer to me, and my new hammock. Ahh, new hammock.

what if....I like receiving letters and getting one yesterday was the best surprise of the month.

what if...I miss waking up to the sound of my mom on the telephone. It's such an interesting thing to wake up to, but I miss it.

what if...I miss talking on the telephone.

what if...going to the mall here in tehuacan made me feel like I was in Orem, and then, upon stepping outside of it, I said out loud to myself, "Oh, back in Mexico."

what if....I prefer blog-stalking over facebook-stalking. And what if I want to delete my facebook account? I think the world will keep on spinning if I do.

what if...I leave half of my clothes here in Mexico because 1, I don't have luggage space for them, 2, they are falling apart anyway, and 3, I have a goal to revamp my wardrobe style and I'm going to accomplish it. No more graphic t-shirts, boring flats, and lifeless skirts. I have a style, I just need to wear it.

what if...I can't wait to cook for myself again. Or have my mom cook for me, be it for a week or 3 days. sigh.

what if...I sometimes wish I was a millionaire so I didn't worry as much as I do. Then again, I would probably find something else to worry about if I was one. I take it back.

what if...I think about going back to my childhood all the time.

Do not be too timid and squeamish about your actions. All life is an experiment. The more experiments you make the better. What if they are a little course, and you may get your coat soiled or torn? What if you do fail, and get fairly rolled in the dirt once or twice? Up again, you shall never be so afraid of a tumble.

Ralph Waldo Emerson

ouch

i got it here

I just got done with another run. Ow. Let me explain.

Here in Mexico, running is pretty awesome because, uh, everything is way lower, meaning my lungs are automatically more mind-blowing.

Did that make sense?

However, all of the streets are also cobblestone, and therefore, my shins get a beating. Therefore, I have the worst shin splints of my life. Any tips on how to alleviate that pain? That is all.

oh yeah, and other stuff that makes me very sad:

the stuff happening in moscow

the stuff happening in mexico

the stuff happening in arizona

the stuff happening in brazil

{i didn't link to this stuff because I don't want you guys to get sad, too}

I just need to read stuff like this to stay sane. You should too.

Then go listen to this song.

"And there will come a time, you'll see, with no more tears.

And love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears.
Get over your hill and see what you find there,
With grace in your heart and flowers in your hair."

it's gonna be a mushy day when i leave

Last night I had a terrible but very realistic dream.

I dreamt that I went back to the United States.

I know, I know, not so terrible when you think about all of the positives:

no having to get a hot shower by lighting the boiler outside with a candle

no sweeping the floor constantly because there's no such thing as carpet

nobody whistling at your or makin' smoochy noises every time you walk down the street...haha

no being thousands of miles away from your family

But, in my dream, I was devastated. I just wanted to go back to Mexico, to my students, to the other teachers, to the whole dadgum place.

I cried and cried and cried at the airport. Teo (the stake prez and ILP director) gave us all of our money back and some McDonald's coupons as compensation (???). My mom came to get me at the airport and told me that she had gotten me an accounting job in Rexburg, but that I was too poor to live in the apartment I've been living in, so I moved into a super-ghetto one instead.

Sniffle. On top of all that, it was below zero when I pulled into Rexburg. I know right now it's January, but sometimes I forget.

Then I woke up in my apartment with the dusty floor, in a strange city that I've already grown to love, and breathed a sigh of relief.

I think it's safe to say that April 9th is going to be an emotional day.

The End.

p.s. i just thought of a solution: marry a mexican! what do you think, padres? at least my children would be fantastic at soccer!

tired in so many ways

...brace yourselves, folks, this one is gonna be deep. And long.

Where do I even start? Last night at 7-ish I felt a lot different than I do now. It may or may not have to do with the fact that I got about 4 hours of sleep last night. And I woke up at 3am sweating like crazy, with my arm bent in some crazy position (it kinda hurts to un-bend those little buggers).

And my brain would not stop going, and going, and going.

The night before, this unsettling feeling would not go away. I laid in bed and tried to sleep, but my rumbling tummy+all of the worries floating around in my head would not let me.

So I went to the kitchen, ate a leetle bowl of grape nuts (fiber at midnight, not the best idea, people) and then made a to-do list for the rest of the week. Erp. It's going to be quite stressful, I think. My heart rate might have gone up just looking at it.

And then there's the other things going on in my life, which, quite frankly, just make me want to CRY. That's right, McKenzie, the self-proclaimed "heartless loser," wants to cry. It doesn't happen often, but when it does, usually there's a good reason.

Yesterday I read a blog which put all of my feelings into the exact words I needed. As I sat in the library reading them, I thought to myself, "Oh, that's what's happening to me." The good part is that this girl had a happy ending, so I should too, right? The trick is being patient while I actively wait for that happy ending.

(Please check out her blog posts here, here, and here--this last one is seriously, almost word-for-word, what I would have written.)

FYI: actively waiting for something you really want that is a really good thing is really hard. Really.

I am having a hard time learning this lesson. But clearly, God wants me to learn it because He knows that 1, I can handle it and 2, if I endure it well I will grow even more and be blessed in ways I can't even imagine.

I just wish sometimes that I didn't feel so far from myself. You know? I just want to be me, and be loved for being me, and not have to feel silly for being myself because of what other people do or don't do. Wow, sorry for that awful run-on sentence. I know this probably isn't making sense...but I just want to say this so I feel slightly better.

Last night, I realized something which felt kind of like a curveball. The kind that gives you a black eye. Black eyes are really un-attractive, I think. They make your eye all droopy and funky and, uh, not to mention blackish-purplish. Not cute. Sorry, tangent.

So this curveball, it really threw me. And it's not the first one I've gotten this semester...in fact, it's not the first one I've gotten this year. I'm starting to think that our whole lives are made up of curveballs which some refer to as "happy accidents" or "tender mercies" or, even more simply, "adversity."

Whenever I start to feel the waves of discouragement creeping up onto my shore, I get a little bit of anxiety. So I go to my knees, because that's where I feel strongest. That's where I feel most like myself, most loved, and most protected. I know that I can be healed that way. The trick is, like Neal A. Maxwell said, "to not shrink."

Today, on this third day of December, I may have shrunken a little bit, but I have that hope Ether talked about in Ether 12:4. I know that even though sometimes our efforts seem worthless, they will be worth it later.

Even though I can't see it now. I'm not a mind-reader, or a fortune-teller, or a time-machine builder. Thank goodness, otherwise my future might be ruined.

The hardest part is not knowing, and yet I have 24/7/365 access to someone who does know, and I'm going to take His hand and let Him lead me wherever He wants me to go.

If that means to Mexico for 4 months, where I don't know anybody and I'm not even sure why I'm going, then I'll go.

If that means saying goodbye to my best friend for 18 months, then I'll do it.

If that means giving up on something which I really thought was a possibility for something even better, then I'll give it up.

"But if by a still, small voice he calls, to paths that I do not know, I'll answer dear Lord, with my hand in thine, I'll go where you want me to go."