when the universe speaks...

napoleon=the universe

the doll=me

I keep waking up in the middle of the night for no reason. Is this the universe's way of telling me I'm never going to figure out my life and therefore should deprive myself of sleep in order to figure out said life? I mean really, that sentence made no sense. None. Zilcho.

Conference was good. I cried through most of it. Buuut f'reals. I did. And I'm still crying about it. Is this the universe's way of telling me that every talk was "made for me" and if so I really need to shape up my life? Ack.

October is meandering on by, which I like, because it's my favorite month (don't know why this is suddenly a "blogger cliche," I'm preeeety sure it's a human cliche and therefore not a cliche at all). On the other hand, it means there's only two whole months left of 2012 and two whole months until I am no longer 22, and oh gash, that scares me for no reason. The universe is ignoring me on this one. I get no signals.

Stuff that kind of stresses me out right now: people who scream at me when I'm trying to help them get free money, people who swear at me when I'm trying to help them get free money, people who scream in general, the snail trail I found on my carpet...inside my room, my hair and its never ending need for cuttage, the byui alumni emails I keep receiving because they make me sad and also I'm not down with being called an "alumni" yet, and the presidential debates on TV. Sometimes I think I would rather drink a whole huge can of grape juice in 10 seconds than hear everyone talk argue about politics. For the love. Also, every techonlogical thing I own is broken: my car radio, my iPod, my camera, this computer (been in-viru-fected for a year). Hence the lack of pictures these last few months which actually have to do with me.

Stuff that only stresses me out a little because it affects the rest of my life: the GRE and why does such a test have to be the deciding factor of the rest of my life? also, all my TV shows are back on all at once and I honestly don't have time to watch any of them. So mebbe I will just have one TV show from now on, and it will be Arthur (yeash, the cartoon).

Stuff that doesn't stress me out but it should: the current state of my legs (I'm at the halfway point between "okay" and "sicknasty"), the fact that I still don't know what to be for Halloween, this book I am reading about death and heartbreak and oh gash it really shouldn't be read before bed but I do it and why am I not having nightmares? Also, my perpetual state of singlehood should probably stress me out as well, but it doesn't. It did when I was in Rexburg, though. Then again, Rexburg is the place where all of the diamond store advertisements go to make war on single women. I kid you not.

Well, this has been pretty weird. And I have a headache. Probably from venting all of that stuff onto you. Man, aren't I the best? Betcha can't wait until next time. Maybe I will throw a scruffy picture in just for good measure, so I don't lose all two of my followers (hi parents!).

beautiful person alert

this better be hormones

In the past week I have found myself on the verge of tears just a few times, but I'm not even sure why. Today in Old Testament we were sitting there talking about the 2nd coming and all of sudden and I had to hold back a sob. A sob, people!! I don't sob! Ugh. Well on Monday the same thing happened, in the same class, because something the teacher said made me think of a dream I had a little while ago, which also made me want to cry right then. And I nearly did. I just hafta talk myself out of it...

"Kenz...c'mon...you are NOT gonna cry in front of all these people. Keep it together, man!"

Sometimes the urge will come while I'm walking to class and I see the picnic table I once did a ninja-jump off of my freshman year. Because I remember how young and inexperienced I was then, and I remember how Courtney was with me, and I think about how I'm going to leave this place soon...and...and...I just get kinda melancholy. Hence the tears.

Or other times I'll be sitting in church looking around at all of the people I know and wondering what will happen with their lives after we all leave...and I think about what's going to happen to me, and when I realize I don't know, I want to cry.

Then there's those moments when I am sitting in devotional and the speaker says something that I know, I know, God probably told him to put in his talk just for me, and I want to cry right then but not in front of the whole student body! Honestly....my tear ducts have no pride.

The worst, and by that I mean the most embarrassing, is when I walk by the many construction sites and I see the Mexicans working...and that gets me thinking about Mexico...and by that point I can't even stop. I just have to use my scarf as a mask so no one will see my face, crying.

If this isn't hormones, there's only one explanation: I have Anderson blood running through my veins.

why senioritis is bad for you

slowly going insane...

Ok, I'll admit it.

I'm a good student. Before you go off and read a different blog cuz you think I'm about to brag, stay tuned for more! What I'm actually about to say may surprise you.

This semester, school has been a little bit difficult for me. Usually it comes pretty easy, even the hard classes, because I just like doing homework (for the most part) and I get it done. Go to class, get there on time, take notes. Simple as that.

But something happened to me this semester....actually, a few things. And I figured out why I have lost all motivation for school-related things this time around:

Exhibit A: Chelsea Bedke left on her mission. This was my first semester without her. Laughing makes a difference, guys.

Exhibit B: Courtney Gopp left on her mission, too. See Exhibit A.

Exhibit C: I missed a few days of school and suddenly I was more behind than ever. Remember how you could miss a day in elementary school and all you missed was Mrs. Sage singing Beach Boys on her guitar and an intense game of tetherball?

Exhibit D: My computer is a P.C. and therefore it picks up a lot of problems. I don't like spending all day using this machine but hey, gotta do my homework. Computers vs. camping. Camping clearly wins!

Exhibit E: My young adult lit class has shown me the magic of the library. Since we are required to read at least one book a week, I'm checking out a lot of stuff from there, and a lot of it turns out to be recreational reading. It's hard to read textbooks when you have other stuff dying to be read. Gah!

Exhibit F: Piano class=45 mins of practice every day=I am starting to go crazy playing the same songs over and over. 1 credit does not 45 minutes/6 days a week homework make.

Exhibit G: Coming back to school one week after Mexico was kind of a crazy idea. I didn't really consider it at the time, because like I said, school is a natural thing for me. But now I'm thinking it may have been smart. I've been experiencing that R.M. funk (without the mission...explain that to me). Oh well, one semester closer to graduation!

Exhibit H: Post-Ragnar "runner's depression." Ok, I'm not depressed, promise, but have you ever heard of "runner's depression"? I guess it happens to some people after they run marathons. They lose all desire to run or something. I'm not saying this happened to me, but it kind of feels like it. I want to run races and stuff, but I am not motivated to run at all. My heart wants to, but my mind does not. Wha? Walking contradiction is my new name.

Exhibit I: My bike broke, and it also happens to be my favorite mode of transportation, my escape hatch. Without it, I feel nekked. The ORC should be done with it soon...I hope.

I'll let you know the cure for this when I find it! For now, encouragement is welcome. I have 2 weeks left! Must be positive!!!

p.s. I'll post some pictures on here next time...something more cheery. Promise!

frozen in place

when you think your heart can't take anymore...and then another curveball comes.

when you are running against the wind...and you wish it could just blow you away.

when you come back home...and you're not sure what you're doing there.

when you remember where you were a week ago...and you feel a melancholy poem comin' on.

when you find notes from your best friend...and miss her so bad it actually hurts.

when you are half-asleep in a dream...and a loud noise wakes you up.

when you come home to your own room...and you wish for a roommate, a pet, anything.

when you find the mexican aisle in the grocery store...and a pack of cookies makes the memories flood.

when you see freshmen walking around on campus...and it hits you that you're a senior.

when you read journal entries from semesters before...and you wonder what the next will be like.

when you find an old friend...and everything is going to be okay.

when your brother lives up the road...and he will always be there, no matter what.

when you talk to someone who really knows...and it's easy to cry, easy to talk.

when you have a load of strong emotions inside...and you don't know how to get them out except through a pen and paper.

when it is april 18th...and it is raining.

It's just one of those days. I know tomorrow will be better.

notice how the sun sets...

it starts to dip its hand in

a little anxious,

then the hues explode

each night when i go home

i turn around

start walking backwards

look down the street to see it

the same different patterns

over and again

this day, the kids shined

like the sun,

timid at first,

then their smiles came

they were proud of themselves

i was proud of themselves, too

now i know what it's like

to be a parent, holding the camcorder

waiting for the kid to mess up

but hoping with all you have

that they won't

now i know what it's like

to love someone else so much

you forget about all of your imperfections

and i watch

because

the sun keeps setting.

one month from now, i'll need to borrow some kleenex

benji is a creeper...

i go crazy after teaching all day every day, clearly. but i like it.

this is my "what the heck are ya doin' now?!" face.

me trying to stop them from demolishing my computer. oy.

Today is the one-month mark. Already?!!

How this happened, I'm not quite sure.

Yesterday when I told my kids my last day of teaching was April 8th, the first words out of their mouth were "Aw teacher" and "party." Mexicans know how to throw parties. But this one will be happy/sad. Mostly sad. I'm afraid they will probably see their teacher cry. Not like they haven't seen that before, right?

If they didn't say such cute things, it wouldn't be so hard to leave them.

If the food wasn't so delicious, I might have an easier time leaving that, too.

If the people weren't so generous and kind and smiley, maybe I could get on that airplane without leaving a piece of my heart behind.

Oh Mexico, what have you done to me?

ouch

i got it here

I just got done with another run. Ow. Let me explain.

Here in Mexico, running is pretty awesome because, uh, everything is way lower, meaning my lungs are automatically more mind-blowing.

Did that make sense?

However, all of the streets are also cobblestone, and therefore, my shins get a beating. Therefore, I have the worst shin splints of my life. Any tips on how to alleviate that pain? That is all.

oh yeah, and other stuff that makes me very sad:

the stuff happening in moscow

the stuff happening in mexico

the stuff happening in arizona

the stuff happening in brazil

{i didn't link to this stuff because I don't want you guys to get sad, too}

I just need to read stuff like this to stay sane. You should too.

Then go listen to this song.

"And there will come a time, you'll see, with no more tears.

And love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears.
Get over your hill and see what you find there,
With grace in your heart and flowers in your hair."

it's gonna be a mushy day when i leave

Last night I had a terrible but very realistic dream.

I dreamt that I went back to the United States.

I know, I know, not so terrible when you think about all of the positives:

no having to get a hot shower by lighting the boiler outside with a candle

no sweeping the floor constantly because there's no such thing as carpet

nobody whistling at your or makin' smoochy noises every time you walk down the street...haha

no being thousands of miles away from your family

But, in my dream, I was devastated. I just wanted to go back to Mexico, to my students, to the other teachers, to the whole dadgum place.

I cried and cried and cried at the airport. Teo (the stake prez and ILP director) gave us all of our money back and some McDonald's coupons as compensation (???). My mom came to get me at the airport and told me that she had gotten me an accounting job in Rexburg, but that I was too poor to live in the apartment I've been living in, so I moved into a super-ghetto one instead.

Sniffle. On top of all that, it was below zero when I pulled into Rexburg. I know right now it's January, but sometimes I forget.

Then I woke up in my apartment with the dusty floor, in a strange city that I've already grown to love, and breathed a sigh of relief.

I think it's safe to say that April 9th is going to be an emotional day.

The End.

p.s. i just thought of a solution: marry a mexican! what do you think, padres? at least my children would be fantastic at soccer!

just a little sad...

....because I probably won't get to see it this year.