here we go again

the last thing I took a picture of in Mexico as my bus pulled away.

It was almost one year ago that I was getting ready to leave Mexico. And when I say "getting ready," I don't mean emotionally or mentally. Because honestly, nothing could have prepared me for the last day I had with my students, or with my roommates. Nothing could have prepared me for that moment when I pulled out of the bus station, (feeling like crapola, by the way) and my heart literally hurting. It was like it was being punched.

I remember looking out the window as we drove out of the city, at this wonderful place I had no idea I'd grow to love so much. But mostly it was the people I knew I would miss. I saw the part of the city we'd gotten lost in my first week. I saw the centro, where we walked almost every day and got stared at by who knows how many people. I saw the bakery where we got goodies every night. The last thing I saw of Tehuacan was the crummy old swimming pool. Yeah, it was run-down and broken, but I still have it in my mind as the last thing I saw of that place. I tried to imagine coming back someday. Basically, goodbyes really stink.

And now I'm 12 days away from leaving another place I've grown so used to. I didn't realize it until this semester, but Rexburg is my home. It has been for 3 and a half years, and I know it very well. I know where the best food is (if you don't know what I'm thinking of you haven't been reading this blog for long enough). I know the best places to ride your bike. I know the best place to study in the library (yes, the exact cubicle). I know which park is the prettiest in autumn. I know the people who work in the baptistry at the Rexburg Temple.

But something I have come to know better than all these places is myself. I wasn't supposed to come to this school, you know. At least, not according to my plan. But Heavenly Father worked His magic and I ended up here anyway. I remember at freshman orientation they kept telling us we weren't here by accident. I wanted to believe it! And now I don't just believe that's true; I know it. I can't imagine the person I'd be if I hadn't come here.

Where would I be without having ever met Courtie or Chelsea-boo? I don't want to know.

What funny stories would I tell about Fall 2009 if I hadn't been a night custodian?

What inappropriate things would I be unaware of if I hadn't been the only girl in a Spanish class full of boys countless times (no really...sometimes I wonder)?

How lame would the college experience have been without getting lost a million times, making the time capsule, eating the G's Dairy platter with 3 other girls, having a dance party while doing dishes, stealing a piece of the hammock (that's another story), sleeping under the stars at Badger Creek, eating lime freezes in Driggs (not to mention being served by the girl who really wanted us to know who her ex-boyfriend was. Sarah, if you're reading this I hope you're laughing), jumping off the dunes for no good reason, ambushing those boys with water balloons. I mean really, where would I be?

Anyhow, I'm glad I ended up where I did. And now it's the end. Time for a new adventure. Deep breath. Here I go.

and now a trip down memory lane (a.k.a picture overload) here's a song to listen to while you scroll. man, I'm weird. everything has to have a soundtrack.

our very first concert in the Hart Building as little freshman...awww.

p.s. Rachie (the redhead) is married now and Courtie is on a mission.

still one of the best apartments of all time. ahh, good ol' 601.

I can't even remember why we went to the mall that night...but we did. And then we found a children's toy and the rest is history.

this was very late at night. a car-dance-party shortly followed.

the infamous hammock. so many good things happened there. Except for that time Liz shouted an inappropriate (and also funny) thing to passerby. And also when I fell out because we got too much momentum. Or when Chels made this face.

also at the mall. some music came on, and we started "dancing."

first and last bonfire.

one night an awesome lightning storm was happening by the temple, so we drove over there to watch. and then we got really smart and ran out into the open field to take pictures. during a lightning storm. in other words, I should be dead in this picture.

I miss all of these peeps. This is the original Willie Wednesday Crew, minus Sarah Bedke. We carried on the tradition (Sarah Willie and I) after all of these people left, and now Willie's gone and it's solo yo. Soon I shall be gone too. Oh how things change.

I've said it before and I'll say it again: don't hate on the Skintimate.

seriously.

did you know this was one of the best nights of my life? I thought the picture would make it obvious, but just in case you were wondering...

this was the best costume ever of all time. and someone actually thought I was a bunch of balloons (which I was, literally, but Halloween is all 'bout the imagination, dude)

I would really like to know how much frozen yogurt I have consumed while living here. Then again, maybe I don't...

Dear Chelsea, I miss you a lot. You come home in September. Crazy. I hope we can switch identities again like we did in this picture. Sincerely, Kenzie

Word to my family coming to visit in a week: we are GOING to G's Dairy Delights. You have no choice in the matter.

This was the first of many "Friday Night Freeze Outs."

Some people ice skate, but we ice stumbled. It was still fun.

I like this picture a lot because it pretty much explains how I feel about homework in general.

Also, Tessa should really get this framed. I still can't believe we paid $2 to go inside the Rigby TV Museum. Wait...yes I can.

Another really excellent set of roommates. Miss you all!

(p.s. two of the girls in this piksha are married and one is engaged. boo-ya!)

Dear Courtney, you get home really soon as well. Promise that we'll go on a road trip and get lost like old times? Love, Kenzie

my love for the taco bus has no bounds. and apparently the same goes for my friends. I have good friends.

mom, you could've used this on my grad announcement.

seriously.

what would college be without the yellow hat (and awkward mirror shots)?

like I said, taco bus=my true love

what a good parting shot.

i'm not sure about this feeling, but i can embrace it

Phew. Folks, I did it. I wrote a post every day for a week. Except I maybe sorta cheated and wrote 3 posts at once and then posted them on their corresponding days. Oh well.

Right now I'm sitting in the San Fransisco Airport. I'm exhausted, emotionally and physically. The sun just set quite nicely outside the window. I tried the water from the water fountain and it tasted funny. Nobody is staring at my sandaled-feet. Nobody is speaking Spanish. Why aren't they speaking Spanish to me? I would speak it to them. But they wouldn't understand...I don't even understand.

Oh, and I'm freezing. Kinda shivering, actually.

Did I mention I was in California?

I hope I bring some spring-ish weather back with me in 2 hours....

I don't know if I'll ever be able to write everything I feel about Mexico. Maybe that's what makes it so special...I can't write it out. I can try my best, but I'll never capture it just quite right.

I'll never be able to explain how eerily wonderful it was to walk to the bus station this morning with 3 of my best friends, the sidewalks empty, my luggage rumbling across the cobblestones, the church bells echoing through the dark streets, thinking about my first night...

I'll never be able to explain what it felt like to watch my kids perform their spectacle on Friday and to have them hug me afterwards and tell me they loved me. I can't explain what it was like for my kids at the other school to bake me a cake, and they didn't even shove my face in it (Mexican tradition...).

I'll never be able to explain the bond we had as teachers. I felt like I knew them all for much longer than 3 months. Clearly it was meant to be. It's true that there are no coincidences....so God must have brought us all here at the same time for a reason. I don't know if I can tell you in words what the reason was. But maybe you can feel it when you read what I've written.

“Let your mind start a journey thru a strange new world. Leave all thoughts of the world you knew before. Let your soul take you where you long to be...Close your eyes let your spirit start to soar, and you'll live as you've never lived before.”

-Erich Fromm

notice how the sun sets...

it starts to dip its hand in

a little anxious,

then the hues explode

each night when i go home

i turn around

start walking backwards

look down the street to see it

the same different patterns

over and again

this day, the kids shined

like the sun,

timid at first,

then their smiles came

they were proud of themselves

i was proud of themselves, too

now i know what it's like

to be a parent, holding the camcorder

waiting for the kid to mess up

but hoping with all you have

that they won't

now i know what it's like

to love someone else so much

you forget about all of your imperfections

and i watch

because

the sun keeps setting.

thursday poem

swimming in a stream

it feels like an ocean

but i surface

and then,

camp alpine

i was a child then

too young to know

everything

but i thought i did

the smell of pine

woke me up

if i could rewind

to any time

it'd be then

so i could tell

my 12-year-old self

to walk slower,

breathe deeper,

love longer

what i still don't know

How many licks it takes

How many looks it takes

Why the moon turns yellow in autumn

Or why autumn feels so melancholy

How death comes in without knocking

How death leaves without crying

Why the sound of her voice

Is never the same to me,

Sometimes I could swear it was

Just a ghost, just the sound of my

Childhood

How many years before the smell of

Your first classroom goes away

How many friends will die before me

How many will have children that look

Just like them

Why evergreens smell like perfect love

And why I know what perfect love smells like

Why cement hurts so much

And why it is always what I fall onto

Why the scars on my sides don’t fade

Won’t fade

And they serve as reminders of my mistakes

Why we have to be reminded

How the smell of rain brings along

Unwanted visitors

Right into my mind, right into my words

Soaks right through my clothes

Why music drifts in and out of sleep

In my bed

Of all the beds, why mine

i can't help it if i daydream in public

pedaling backwards

inhale, exhale,

and here comes summer

early mornings when

first and last become one

eyes are tired, restless

hair undone

my mind is elsewhere

everyone can see it

if only they could feel it,

too.

little hugs with little arms

when i woke up there was a breeze

bringing with it

words i don't know how to write

only feel

we walked through

a familiar neighborhood in the dark,

i felt so safe,

and people call it dangerous.

before i came, everyone told me

to be safe

never go alone, never look up, never be without fear

but they should have warned me

of how i would fall so easily

for those faces

their arms brush past,

just like that breeze

all at once i'm home again

home again.

home.

but really it's an hour ahead

startled, we woke up late

the clocks hadn't changed by themselves

but time waits for nobody,

never has

never will

plan--pancakes

plan--fail

nothing to light the flames

we ate cake instead.

but none of us complained.

i've stopped complaining about certain things

and maybe i am grateful for them instead

or maybe i just ignore them

it feels more like gratitude than anything

words from those who know better

i write them down

but they've already written themselves

inside of me, like they were supposed to be there

all along

i close my notebook, walk home in the sun,

feel the sun, don't forget the way it feels

i see photos of people i know in

the places i normally live

their noses are red and frozen

i shake in my boots.

la ultima semana

my last week in tehuacan is bearing down on me now.

i can feel it, edging its way into my bed at night, haunting me.

and then i wake up and try to forget about it, but it won't leave me alone.

in order to alleviate the pain/excitement/joy/relief/happiness/sadness

which is starting to feel more like an anvil of emotion, rather than words,

i'm going to write something for every last day that i'm here.

starting today.

conference in a small room, baptismal font filling up slowly behind me.

cars honking outside, american missionaries reminding me of 17-year-olds.

watermelon with lots of seeds.

it's hot, i can feel my hair pasting itself to my back. oh hair, why don't i cut you off.

but i change my mind again. other people's wedding pictures can be very persuasive.

another mexican party, as soon as we arrived the lights began flashing

i'm used to being a celebrity because of my skin color

but this time it was God moving furniture

loud and beautiful, followed with rain, blessed rain.

oregon flashbacks, always accompany rain.

I was the only one standing in it, everyone else underneath the garage.

lots of Mexicans staring, I kept dancing. Even in my ruined clothes.

All my clothes are ruined.

I'm glad, though. It means I don't have to take them with me,

I get to leave a piece of myself behind, the old self.

while I'm dancing in a circle with Mexicans who have hips,

I notice that I'm dancing too, but I'm not caring

about everyone watching {and everyone is watching}

just like the rain, I've fallen into a place

I didn't expect

And it absorbed me.

it's been fun

i love them far too much.

once you tacos al pastor, you never go back.

you should visit it someday. put it on your bucket list riiight now.

I nearly lost my torta on this ride.

five-star hotel room in Mexico City (complete with an autographed headboard)

this is Teo, our stake president, my second father in Mexico, at our favorite taco joint (where I ate that tear-inducing salsa)

yes, I actually jimmy-rigged a bandage for my missing toenail incident. Just be glad I didn't post the picture without the bandage.

March is pretty much over. Shoot that was fast. A little too fast for my liking.

We always count down to something big, something we're looking forward to, and before we know it, all of the little things {the most important} have sped by and we're left with a date on the calendar like the 31st.

Time is so cruel sometimes.

in the month of march,

*I got over sun poisoning, just in time to get the turista (you don't wanna know)

*I lost a toenail, which I must say looks pretty ridiculous painted over

*I decided to go home a week early and thanks to some serious generosity, I will be home soon (add an extra day to this...next sunday at midnight my friends)

*I rode a roller coaster for the first time and almost lost my insides

*I slept underground in Mexico City on a small bed with a slab of concrete for the box spring...it sounds sketchy because it is

*I walked through two beautiful cathedrals

*I ate too many delicious tacos. I wish you could all partake of their deliciousness. Taco Bell=never again.

*I shed more sweat than I knew was possible. And then decided to never move to Arizona.

*I finished Alma and started in on Mosiah (I'm not reading it chronologically this time)

*I registered for my classes...senior year. Psyche.

*Chelsea left on her mission and I didn't get to say goodbye.

*I played more soccer and got kicked/hit with a soccer ball/shoved while doing it.

*I ate tacos filled with sesa (pig brains, remember), barbacoa (sheep), cactus, and salsa so hot it made me cry.

*I taught my Mexican children mine and Chelsea's super-secret-handshake, which isn't so secret anymore. It'll be all over Mexico soon, I'm sure.

*I killed 50 zillion cockroaches. Blurgh.

*I packed my stuff, then kinda unpacked it again, then packed again. What is going on with my emotions here?

*One word: freckles.

*I created a new holiday: Jesus Bracelet Wednesday (you'll see soon enough).

*I accidentally got on allrecipes.com and all of a sudden I got excited to cook for myself again. Like, real bad.

*I prayed for rain.

*I sent three postcards.

*I said "No speaking Spanish" 1,543 times.

*I washed all my clothes with a tub and a bar of soap.

*I visited the zocalo and it's amazing, you know.

*I fell even more in love with Mexico. It's been good to me.

And now, here comes April, yet another month full of surprises and goals being accomplished, and countdowns to the next thing. Only this time, I'm only counting down to tomorrow.

"Surely God would not have created such a being as man, with an ability to grasp the infinite, to exist only for a day! No, no, man was made for immortality."
Abraham Lincoln