Friday, December 3, 2010

tired in so many ways

...brace yourselves, folks, this one is gonna be deep. And long.

Where do I even start? Last night at 7-ish I felt a lot different than I do now. It may or may not have to do with the fact that I got about 4 hours of sleep last night. And I woke up at 3am sweating like crazy, with my arm bent in some crazy position (it kinda hurts to un-bend those little buggers).

And my brain would not stop going, and going, and going.

The night before, this unsettling feeling would not go away. I laid in bed and tried to sleep, but my rumbling tummy+all of the worries floating around in my head would not let me.

So I went to the kitchen, ate a leetle bowl of grape nuts (fiber at midnight, not the best idea, people) and then made a to-do list for the rest of the week. Erp. It's going to be quite stressful, I think. My heart rate might have gone up just looking at it.

And then there's the other things going on in my life, which, quite frankly, just make me want to CRY. That's right, McKenzie, the self-proclaimed "heartless loser," wants to cry. It doesn't happen often, but when it does, usually there's a good reason.

Yesterday I read a blog which put all of my feelings into the exact words I needed. As I sat in the library reading them, I thought to myself, "Oh, that's what's happening to me." The good part is that this girl had a happy ending, so I should too, right? The trick is being patient while I actively wait for that happy ending.

(Please check out her blog posts here, here, and here--this last one is seriously, almost word-for-word, what I would have written.)

FYI: actively waiting for something you really want that is a really good thing is really hard. Really.

I am having a hard time learning this lesson. But clearly, God wants me to learn it because He knows that 1, I can handle it and 2, if I endure it well I will grow even more and be blessed in ways I can't even imagine.

I just wish sometimes that I didn't feel so far from myself. You know? I just want to be me, and be loved for being me, and not have to feel silly for being myself because of what other people do or don't do. Wow, sorry for that awful run-on sentence. I know this probably isn't making sense...but I just want to say this so I feel slightly better.

Last night, I realized something which felt kind of like a curveball. The kind that gives you a black eye. Black eyes are really un-attractive, I think. They make your eye all droopy and funky and, uh, not to mention blackish-purplish. Not cute. Sorry, tangent.

So this curveball, it really threw me. And it's not the first one I've gotten this fact, it's not the first one I've gotten this year. I'm starting to think that our whole lives are made up of curveballs which some refer to as "happy accidents" or "tender mercies" or, even more simply, "adversity."

Whenever I start to feel the waves of discouragement creeping up onto my shore, I get a little bit of anxiety. So I go to my knees, because that's where I feel strongest. That's where I feel most like myself, most loved, and most protected. I know that I can be healed that way. The trick is, like Neal A. Maxwell said, "to not shrink."

Today, on this third day of December, I may have shrunken a little bit, but I have that hope Ether talked about in Ether 12:4. I know that even though sometimes our efforts seem worthless, they will be worth it later.

Even though I can't see it now. I'm not a mind-reader, or a fortune-teller, or a time-machine builder. Thank goodness, otherwise my future might be ruined.

The hardest part is not knowing, and yet I have 24/7/365 access to someone who does know, and I'm going to take His hand and let Him lead me wherever He wants me to go.

If that means to Mexico for 4 months, where I don't know anybody and I'm not even sure why I'm going, then I'll go.

If that means saying goodbye to my best friend for 18 months, then I'll do it.

If that means giving up on something which I really thought was a possibility for something even better, then I'll give it up.

"But if by a still, small voice he calls, to paths that I do not know, I'll answer dear Lord, with my hand in thine, I'll go where you want me to go."


funsizetessa said...

I'm sorry. I'm glad you know I'm here though. And this was amazing, quote to remember for the rest of my life: "The hardest part is not knowing, and yet I have 24/7/365 access to someone who does know, and I'm going to take His hand and let Him lead me wherever He wants me to go."

chelsea said...

just fyi, you are pretty awesome...and i really like this post. the future is gonna be crazy, but i'm really excited for it! thanks for being my twin :)

Allison Marie said...

Pretty sure I started bawling throughout your entire blog. You are incredible Kenz. Honestly. Your testimony and strength are amazing and something I strive to have. The future is so scary, and I have felt word for word of what you are going through. All I can say is, you follow that sweet Spirit, and no matter how terrifying/scary/unnerving/uncomfortable it might seem... you'll end up exactly where you need and want to be. Although you didn't know you wanted it. You are an inspiration. I love you.

Ging said...
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Ging said...

As your mother I am both encouraged and anxious to read this blog. Anxious because the "natural" side of me wants to make everything better. Encouraged for all of the obvious reasons. You're doing so well. I have spent my life believing in Christ but most often not believing Him. For me their is a constant struggle with worrying if I've chosen right or done enough or been worthy enough to receive what I desire.I have subscribed to the idea that I can work my way into heaven. By myself. All to often. I struggle with allowing the atonement to do what it was designed to do, make up the huge difference between who I am and what I hope to be. You are perfectly positioned for success because although you are flawed like the rest of us, you understand on whom you can rely. Miracles happen every day. And they are.