be still and know...

today I am happy.

the sun came out and started to melt all of the snow and ice

which has been making me slightly more klutzy

(if that's even possible)

I got 100% on a test

my Spanish speaking skills improved according to my teacher

and dang, this piece of gum is just really minty.

that last sentence was dripping with optimism.

I can't help it.

There's only 6 days left of school.

I'm not afraid of what's ahead anymore.

I know exactly what I'm supposed to be doing, and it just so happens that it's what God wants me to do. So that's why I can have confidence and not be afraid.

You know what the best feeling is?

Not being afraid of anything.

Because instead of worrying myself to sleep every night,

I just think about my future.

And it makes me smile.

p.s. can you believe I wrote this in the library? guess it's not so doom-y and gloomy after all. I know, I know. doom-y isn't a word.

too bad.

Doctrine and Covenants 101:16

Therefore, let your hearts be comforted concerning Zion; for all flesh is in mine hands; be still and know that I am God.

illustrative happy list

After last weekend, I am so grateful for all of these people+then some. You are my happy list.

and especially Him

Everyone needs good friends. Your circle of friends will greatly influence your thinking and behavior, just as you will theirs. When you share common values with your friends, you can strengthen and encourage each other.

-Thomas S. Monson-

tired in so many ways

...brace yourselves, folks, this one is gonna be deep. And long.

Where do I even start? Last night at 7-ish I felt a lot different than I do now. It may or may not have to do with the fact that I got about 4 hours of sleep last night. And I woke up at 3am sweating like crazy, with my arm bent in some crazy position (it kinda hurts to un-bend those little buggers).

And my brain would not stop going, and going, and going.

The night before, this unsettling feeling would not go away. I laid in bed and tried to sleep, but my rumbling tummy+all of the worries floating around in my head would not let me.

So I went to the kitchen, ate a leetle bowl of grape nuts (fiber at midnight, not the best idea, people) and then made a to-do list for the rest of the week. Erp. It's going to be quite stressful, I think. My heart rate might have gone up just looking at it.

And then there's the other things going on in my life, which, quite frankly, just make me want to CRY. That's right, McKenzie, the self-proclaimed "heartless loser," wants to cry. It doesn't happen often, but when it does, usually there's a good reason.

Yesterday I read a blog which put all of my feelings into the exact words I needed. As I sat in the library reading them, I thought to myself, "Oh, that's what's happening to me." The good part is that this girl had a happy ending, so I should too, right? The trick is being patient while I actively wait for that happy ending.

(Please check out her blog posts here, here, and here--this last one is seriously, almost word-for-word, what I would have written.)

FYI: actively waiting for something you really want that is a really good thing is really hard. Really.

I am having a hard time learning this lesson. But clearly, God wants me to learn it because He knows that 1, I can handle it and 2, if I endure it well I will grow even more and be blessed in ways I can't even imagine.

I just wish sometimes that I didn't feel so far from myself. You know? I just want to be me, and be loved for being me, and not have to feel silly for being myself because of what other people do or don't do. Wow, sorry for that awful run-on sentence. I know this probably isn't making sense...but I just want to say this so I feel slightly better.

Last night, I realized something which felt kind of like a curveball. The kind that gives you a black eye. Black eyes are really un-attractive, I think. They make your eye all droopy and funky and, uh, not to mention blackish-purplish. Not cute. Sorry, tangent.

So this curveball, it really threw me. And it's not the first one I've gotten this semester...in fact, it's not the first one I've gotten this year. I'm starting to think that our whole lives are made up of curveballs which some refer to as "happy accidents" or "tender mercies" or, even more simply, "adversity."

Whenever I start to feel the waves of discouragement creeping up onto my shore, I get a little bit of anxiety. So I go to my knees, because that's where I feel strongest. That's where I feel most like myself, most loved, and most protected. I know that I can be healed that way. The trick is, like Neal A. Maxwell said, "to not shrink."

Today, on this third day of December, I may have shrunken a little bit, but I have that hope Ether talked about in Ether 12:4. I know that even though sometimes our efforts seem worthless, they will be worth it later.

Even though I can't see it now. I'm not a mind-reader, or a fortune-teller, or a time-machine builder. Thank goodness, otherwise my future might be ruined.

The hardest part is not knowing, and yet I have 24/7/365 access to someone who does know, and I'm going to take His hand and let Him lead me wherever He wants me to go.

If that means to Mexico for 4 months, where I don't know anybody and I'm not even sure why I'm going, then I'll go.

If that means saying goodbye to my best friend for 18 months, then I'll do it.

If that means giving up on something which I really thought was a possibility for something even better, then I'll give it up.

"But if by a still, small voice he calls, to paths that I do not know, I'll answer dear Lord, with my hand in thine, I'll go where you want me to go."

20 for 31

my personal fave

20 years old for 31 more days, to be exact. Actually, it's more like 30 days now, because day one is almost over and I have spent almost 75% of it in the library. So that doesn't really count as an actual day, right?

When I first walked into the library after Thanksgiving Break, it was like coming home. You'd think that when I first walked into my apartment, I would feel that way, but no. It was the library. Sad.

I've learned a lot this year and I wouldn't trade any of the trials I went through for anything else. God obviously knows what He's doing and He gives me these experiences for a reason. So I'm just going to keep putting one foot in front of the other, even though a lot of the time I don't know where it's going to land.

As for these next 30 days, I plan on making the most of them. After all, when the clock strikes 11:18am on January 1st, I will be a "legal adult." Whatever that means...

mcfrenzy's 30 day plan o'action:

go to taco bus uh-gain

make sure my students know they're awesome

get to the middle of the Book of Alma

write a poem and leave it somewhere in this blasted place

stop saying blast and wretch

make a snowman/snow angel

make pumpkin cookies un mas tiempo, to give away of course

update the quote wall before we have to take it down

make those tie-dye shirts we've had since forever ago...

write a note to at least 1 person every week

small acts of service

try to stop listening to this song

go to the Rexburg Temple at least 1 more time

talk to the Bishop 1 more time

bear my testimony (hold me to this)

say hi to a stranger

avoid falling on the ice/snow

wink at somebody. what? I just really gotta get it out of my system.

forget myself and GO (to mexico, that is)

happy to the list

why hello, beautiful

For the record, I made this list yesterday, so technically it's still a "happy list Monday." Alright? Alright.

1. a scalding hot shower in the morning to wake me up. like a jacuzzi for poor people.

2. good-smelling lotion...there were many times today that I caught a whiff of myself and thought, "dang, I smell good." kinda weird...but so true.

3. finding out I don't have a presentation in Spanish until Friday!

4. getting into Rexburg and seeing a temple on the hill

5. snow, for looking so tame and beauteous when it's first falling.

6. this song, currently playing in my ears

7. my heart-- it is my favorite organ (no duh)

8. shopping at Broulim's without a shower cap on

9. my eyelashes

10. Alma 14, worth reading at least twice in a row

11. graham cracker structures...more specifically houses of cards made of graham crackers (if I had a camera, there would be a picture of this, but alas, no lo tengo)

12. smelly mistletoe above our doorframe--don't worry mom, it's just propaganda

13. real life, legitimate mullets spotted on the 2nd floor of the library

14. Christmas trees, even if they're fake and don't smell as awesome as the real ones

15. making a slip-n-slide out of our tile hallway using my fuzzy socks and thrust. Did I just say "thrust?" Um.

16. scars. they're cool, no matter what anyone else says

17. licorice-staches

18. flannel shirts. makes me feel like I'm a relative of Paul Bunyan. Or just camping.

19. memorizing the blood-flow pattern of my heart. it's pretty complex for such a small organ. and that makes it even more divine, I think.

20. warm hoodies, ahh yeah.

WHOA 20 THINGS. That's a record I think. I could go on, but then I'd be procrastinating my homework. Oh wait...think I'm already doing that.

off the grid

(Indiana Jones circa 2004...dang, look at those braids)

I've been missing in action as far as this blog goes.

But I'm back now, just in time for the rush of finals to begin.

Starting on Monday, more excitement is bound to occur. And it will all be chronicled here. Fasten. Seatbelts.

predictions for the future...

Hair will grow to the middle of my back.

Freckles will reappear as soon as I land in Mexico.

Oh yeah, and I think I'm still goin to Mexico.

Pandora will crank out even more amazing music that I can't afford to buy.

I'll get a tan. Haha. Good one.

Rigorous running routine at sea level for 4 months. Gulp. Like that alliteration I just did?

Going to try mole, the legitimate, delicious (?) mole.

Check something off my bucket list (speak Spanish with a native).

Start writing another missionary--Chelsea Ann.

Begin my last 3 semesters in a row, count 'em, that's three left! Sigh...

Go see Tangled with the siblings in T minus 1 hour.

-mcfrenzy-

psyche!

Psyche is one of my most favorite words. I don't really know why. Just try saying it out loud, with feeling. See? It's kinda fun.

Psyche is a word used to express amazement or in credulousness. Was that last word a real word? Hmmm.

I just found this article on CNN. It is way cool. And just a reminder to not keep technology so stinkin' connected to your hip. Psyche. Psyche. Psyche. Heh heh.

http://www.cnn.com/2010/TECH/social.media/11/22/social.media.isolation.project/index.html?hpt=C1

annnd here's her blog: http://www.publicisolationproject.com/blog/

so cool.