the furry cripple in our garage

written on 2/20/2010....
Jane Eyre is on the television right now, you know, the old/young William Hurt version. Griffey is barking, barking, crying out. I’m pretty sure he is ready to go home, but when I suggested the idea to mom the other day she frowned and pushed her lips together, putting a period at the end of the unfinished sentence hanging between us. I can’t seem to stop going out to the garage, just to see if he’s still there. I open the door slowly, find him lying on his deflated pillow, and make sure he’s breathing. His chest barely moves up and down anymore, it’s very hard to tell. It takes special skills. Skills that involve an insane amount of love for that big, scruffy rug of a dog. I want to feel his wet nose up against my freckly one and remember him chasing me across the snowy field behind Jordan High School (which, ironically, no longer stands, just like Griff). I want to scratch his tummy and watch his legs go up and down jubilantly; now, they just hang expectantly in the air, aching for the resurrection. I do believe that all dogs go to heaven, just like the movie says. But my knowledge comes from a deeper place, the same place that gives me joy when I’m feeling pain. The same place that makes me smile at myself in the mirror despite my red patches, and my undone hair (it’s haircut time again). The same place that causes me to weep tears of joy when I think about Lizzy’s engagement ring, and tears of sadness when I think about Lizzy’s engagement ring. So when the day comes that my parents call me to their room or call me on the phone, and tell me quietly that they’re going to put him to sleep, I’ll draw some reserves from that same place. I’ll probably go on a walk, or go to the park, or get into my car and drive somewhere, just for awhile. I know I will cry. That’s inevitable. Ever since I renounced my “heartless loser” title I cry a lot. I never knew one person could have so many tears in them, but it’s a gift of the Spirit you know (excuses, excuses). After I get that overwith, and I talk to my Heavenly Father for a little while, I’ll go home. I’ll go to that dog’s side very carefully, even on my tiptoes because I think spirits that are close to the veil deserve a little bit of silence. I’ll rub his tummy, his ears, his nose, his bony back, his stuck-out ribs. I’ll cry into his greying fur, and then I’ll say I love you, goodbye, just for now.

happy list

"If you want to be happy, be."
Leo Tolstoy

1. winter fog draped over the mountains
2. finding out your best friend has got a ring on her left hand
3. super-power scrunches that literally knock you over, from the bulldozer formerly known as Ellie
4. chasing a pajama-clad boy through Wal-Mart while he simultaneously pulls off all of the "presidential poses" (yes, all)
5. chocolate ice cream-lactose=happy redhead
6. the page before the last page of a book, when you don't quite know the end yet and you're a little sad to leave behind the characters (presuming it's a muy excelente book)
7. Moonlight Sonata in my ears, late at night
8. beating up the pavement/treadmill/track with heel and toe
9. wednesday-night institute--it's like walking into a room that's full to the brim of warm fuzzies (that is, the Spirit)
10. this picture

what's on your happy list?

hello world, this is your redhead speaking

I realized today that I haven't really posted mucho for a while. And videos don't really count. There's always a lot, lot, lot (emphasis on lot) swimming around in my brain and I thought I'd let it take a few laps, so here we go!

• Major decisions coming up in my life: mission or volunteer in South America (I'm leaning towards Chile for some reason) or study abroad or marriage (okay, forget that last one, I'm too young for this)
• Major events coming up in my month: interview to be an EFY counselor, get paid (yah, that's big, people), start training for a half-marathon in June, register for classes in my Junior year of college--hold on, let me contemplate that for a second--okay, I'm done.
• New places I've added to my "to-go list":

Paris, France (haha, ok this isn't new. I've ALWAYS wanted to go here)
Superstition Mountains, Arizona--they make me only a "little stitous," not superstitious :)

India. Remember the movie "The Little Princess"? 'Nuff said.
Ireland, duh.
Tahiti, ahhhhhh. Just say it over and over. You'll start to relax.
Finland. Tell me you don't want to go. Yeah....that's what I thought.
Oh Alaska. Someday, my friend. Some day.

• Just a smattering of the books on my booklist for this year (so far I've only got 22 on it, but trust me, it's going to get bigger):

• My goal of going to the temple weekly is getting easier and easier--it's hard because of this (see number four)--especially when I realize that the people I'm getting baptized for have been waiting for a looonnnngggg time. Try 1726. Yowza!
• Speaking of temples, I think I've decided on which one to get my endowments in (but I still haven't decided which one I'm getting married in, when the opportunity presents itself...don't get any ideas, people!)

• Half-marathons I am deciding between (cast your votes, people!): this one with dad or this one with the Iderhoans.
  

can't. wait.

I know, I know. Most of you don't watch LOST. And most of you are missing out! It's not too late...you can still watch the first 5 seasons before the next one starts. That is, if you prefer not sleeping, eating, exercising, reading, praying, LIVING for the next week. Or you could just Netflix it and watch the last season later. Because I'm telling you, you're gonna want to see this one!!

Can We Go? Pleeeassee?!

I think anyone and everyone should see this. With me. Right now. Er...soon. That is all.

Losers

Sorry, Brooke, this is a tad late!

My friend Brooke is holding a Biggest Loser Competition right now, for basically anybody that wants in. Personally, I think it's good motivation to lose weight and get in shape when other people are doin it with you. So who's in? Check out her blog for all of the details! Do it now! Cause the competition starts today!!!

p.s. Jillian Michaels will find you if you don't....

two decades-worth

Gee, that was fast.

From two to twenty in...well...I guess it was 18 years, but it feels a lot shorter than that.

Somebody told me the other day that I'd been alive for almost two decades now. All I can think of is the word OLD. In all caps.

Here's a sampling of my teeny bit of time on earth. And I'm speaking in eternal terms now, people. No snickering at the word 'teeny.'

Growing up with this guy.
Always been a little taller than me, but as soon as the big 1-2 hit, he shot up like a tree and I stayed down below, where the weather is a little chillier. He might have a Kentucky drawl now, but he's still the best big bro I could've asked for.






Being birthed/raised/loved/watched over by these people:

She's got the scar to prove it. He's got the grey hairs. So thanks. Even though those aren't even the right words, or enough words, or even the right combination of words. I love you anyway.








meeting this girl (ten years ago, one day ago)
Never thought I'd have a best friend, let alone one like you. Love ya, kid, inside and out. That includes all of the super-embarrassing stuff I've seen you do, and the humiliating stuff you've seen me do. Man, our story is just one big fat embarrassing moment, isn't it? Thanks for the list that keeps getting longer. :)








being the big sister of these sort-of-shorter-than-me chilluns


The oldest one I first saw as a chubby, crazy-haired Chinese boy. He's still Chinese, but he's also an uber-smart, very thoughtful, Country-legends avid listener (yep, you read that right). Who just got baptized. I'm proud, yeah. Then there's Ellie-Belly. I guess dressing up little girls is better than cats...and less hairy. But she's much more than that--Ellie is my super-scrunch buddy, a talented gymnast, and a very generous girl. You kids have taught me a lot, even in my owlish age.


being related to all of these people
The fact that we are linked eternally gives me the goosebumps. 'Nuff said.

getting to grow up in or near these beautiful sights
When I dream, I dream about being in one of these places.




being guided by these prophets

When I get to heaven, after I find my ancestors, I'm looking for the guy on the right. Then of course, I'm going to go see the one on the left. After that, I've got 14 others to meet.

hearing (mostly) good stuff come out of these things when I put my hands on them:



having reasons to put pen to paper, because these people did:










Wowza, that was a checkin' long post. Twenty years worth of stuff just spilled on out like an upside ketchup bottle! Thanks for making them count, erebody. :)

i shall imagine life by e. e. Cummings

i shall imagine life
is not worth dying,if
(and when)roses complain
their beauties are in vain

but though mankind persuades
itself that every weed's
a rose,roses(you feel
certain)will only smile